Would you wear Pajamajeans?

I have to confess that after taking Suzanne to school this morning I ran to the store to get food for the dogs in the sweat pants and sweat shirt that are about 6 sizes too large that I slept in last night and my bedroom slippers. I probably would not buy these, because of the price and because I don't care if I look sloppy most of the time, but I like the concept and the ingenuity. I will most likely continue to be one of the people who inspired pajamajeans. lol! I am for anything that offers more comfort to people. What do you think? Would you wear them?

Opening Pandora's Box

I wrote recently about losing weight, then becoming panicked, gaining some back, and feeling fearful of some unknown something that lie hidden under the acquired pounds. As I shed the weight, I felt I was uncovering something that had been hidden for a long time. While I was ready to deal with whatever this anxiety causing information was, I also dreaded the uncovering. On the one hand I feared some long hidden secret, though I could not imagine such a thing, on the other I feared, like the unwrapping of an onion, at the core of my being there was nothing, a cosmic joke. What I actually found was nothing new, but I was able, finally, to understand the implications of shameful childhood memories and see why their impact on my life had been so great. I invite you to come along as I open the box I finally dug out from under years of neurosis, depression, fat, and fear.

When I was in the first grade I took an IQ test. My teacher never told my mother the results, simply that it was high, whatever that means or meant. My mother was excited to learn that her first born was a smart kid. I was reminded by her and by my teachers that I was smart so was always expected to do well at everything. At a very young age this became quite the burden and I was fearful to the point of physical illness when I had difficulty with anything. I carried the secret knowledge that I was not as smart as everyone thought.

In the 6th grade, the little known third sister from the Land of Oz became my teacher. Not nearly as nice as the one squashed by the house or the one Dorothy melted, she chose me as the unlikely target of her anger and ridicule. Any missed question or less than perfect paper was held up for everyone to view and she insisted, in front of the class, on having me retested as she did not see the intelligence other teachers raved about. Since I knew she was right, I was mortified and felt revealed and exposed. When I took the test and scored two points higher than that damning first score, whatever it may have been, she was amazed and dismayed. The ridicule increased until I was finally released from her clutches and limped out into the world of Junior High School, quite different from the innocent little girl who had first walked into that classroom of horrors. I was shamed, I felt guilty, I knew I was a fraud and a phony, but most of all I was angry.

I was angry at a school system that would allow such a monster to torment young children. I was angry that my mother, who knew the whole story did nothing to intervene or help me. I was angry at that horrid miserable teacher, of course, and I was angry at myself for feeling and being helpless and embarrassed though I knew I had done nothing to deserve the abuse I received. I believe that year in my life changed me profoundly and is greatly to blame for who I am today.

The one good thing that came from that year was a new label I carried with me, the classic underachiever. I have no idea what sort of IQ I was believed to have had, but I knew the truth; I was not a smart kid, I was simply a kid who tested well. I was not an underachiever, I wanted desperately to do well, but if my teachers and my parents wanted to believe I was, and it made them feel better than facing the fact that I was not as smart as they believed, I let them. Since that fact would have killed my proud mother, I became to all the world someone who did not try, who did not care. But I knew in my heart that I was a liar and a fraud and it was my responsibility to keep that secret to protect the fragile adults around me.

I believe most children around that age have some sort of coming of age story that shapes them, at least for a while. It is at this time that we create our self identity. That was to be mine for the next 40 years. Doing well in subjects involving communication, I floundered desperately in math and science. Because I was obviously capable, they had a piece of paper that said so, I was never offered any help and I never asked for any.

My entire life has continued in a similar vein. I married at 21 and realized immediately that I had made a dangerous mistake. I told no one because I was ashamed. I left that marriage a broken person, at the age of 23. I believe my life was saved by an eating disorder that allowed me to purge the self hated I had turned into an art form; I hated myself perfectly.


Before long, I remarried another lying, cheating person, once again matching the traits I believed myself to be guilty of. I had children and became a single parent, forced to care not only for my children but also for a troublesome, tiresome, immature, foolish mate. After 25 years, the joke of a marriage ended.

Through it all, my weight yo-yoed and I suffered bouts of severe depression and all sorts of displays of disordered eating. I found the raw food diet and my physical symptoms as well as mental and spiritual problems diminished greatly. I had a new yardstick to measure myself with. I still felt like a fraud and a phony, necessitating frequent confession sessions when I would come clean with my readers lest anyone think I was good, or perfect. I continued to define myself by my failures. I was praised for my honesty, which seemed laughable to me. I was forced to be honest about being a screw up and that was a source of admiration. It seemed too ironic and strange not to laugh about.

January 2010, Close to my goal weight, nagging fears and doubts remained, though I was not really sure what they were or that I wanted to know, but they refused to stay hidden any longer. I created a space called the Shape Shifter's Lair and I began to observe my feelings, my food intake, everything about my life to try and find the source of the distress that continually haunted me. I had a paralyzing fear of going there. I was afraid of facing the shame I had hidden away under all that fat so long ago. I was terrified of the fat and shame returning. I knew I had to face it or suffer ever more dire consequences from whatever I had placed there and refused to look at.

I woke up this morning, memories of that awful year flooding my senses and feeling as real as they were at the time. Guilt, fear, shame, undeserved, unreleased, held tightly lest they hurt anyone else gripped me as I lay in bed. I realized I have been carrying these memories around for more than 40 years!! They weren't hidden, I sometimes talked about them, but never allowed myself to face or share their full impact on my life. I feel guilty for allowing myself to be represented as something I am not. I know in my head I did not do this, it was done to me, but I still feel guilty and dishonest.

I find myself always reverting to the same behaviors. If I decided not to eat meat, that is all I want and I sneak off and have it. Then comes the guilt and the shame and a new secret is held. By defining myself as a raw vegan I have created a whole new place to fail and feel miserable, depressed, and ashamed. I know in my heart I am not raw or vegan or anything else good, I am that little girl in front of the class being called a liar because my test results said I was something I am not.

So where does that leave me? I am ready to empty the box I have so carefully guarded and kept locked all these years. I am ready to dispense with labels. I am ready to release all the misplaced shame and secrets and to live and be open and honest. I am tired of finding areas to fail at. I feel like a failure in all areas of my life, marriage, childhood, school, parenting, and now I can't even eat right!! There were two ways of doing things in my experience, perfectly or shamefully and embarrassingly wrong. I have become a wannabe anorexic; I hate the fact that I have to eat at all!! Maybe a wanna be breatharian? lol!

I am aware that I did not create this situation. Like all abused children, I have allowed myself to be convinced that I somehow did something wrong and must be punished for the mistakes of those who failed to protect me. I have been punished enough. I do not want to be anyone's example. I do not want to be anyone's leader. I do not want to share what I am eating with anyone/everyone. I want to finish losing the weight. I want to eat fruits and vegetable, nuts and seeds, because I love animals and do not want to be responsible for their death or mistreatment. I don't want to tell anyone else how to eat. I do not want to be consumed by what I eat and I do not want to scrutinize or or evaluate or be anyone's role model. I saw raw food as my redemption, something I could finally get right. Here was something I could be honest about. Here was something people could look up to me for. Now I just want to eat when I'm hungry and get on with the life I have left unlived for so many years. I am done with shame and guilt, anger and fear. The box is empty. There is no hope on the bottom, there is no freedom, just an empty box to be discarded after being carried around for so long.

I believe we go through things for a reason, so believe a purpose may still be unfolding. Instead of remorse, I prefer expectation. If you were to open that box you have so carefully guarded and hidden, what would you find?

Addendum: One thing I have learned from all this is that numbers, whether weight, test scores, money amounts, can cause lots of problems unintentionally. Please do your children a favor and accept them as they are. All children have strengths and weaknesses that cannot be evaluated by some silly test scores, whether high or low . Scores are just a means of comparing and have no real value. I would never have let my children be tested and then evaluated and judged on the basis of a number. That can be a very dangerous and hurtful thing to do. My parents and the majority of my teachers did not act with malice, they simply did not know the whole story of how it was affecting me and doubtless many other children. People are not numbers of any kind. =D

Never Again?

Some people may think that hunting witches in this century is an absurd notion and any attempt to portray someone as a witch-hunter was a witch hunt itself. I know better.

I grew up in a church and married into a family who believed in witches, though they claimed they lived mainly in foreign countries, a joke in itself doncha think? They also prayed to be rid of those disagreed with them, one even claiming he killed a woman in this way, another referring to retribution for those who tried to oust him, for his corrupt pastoral ways, as a witch hunt. I heard of demons being called out of people at camp meetings and youth camps. These people will welcome Sarah Palin's witch hunter mentor, but I am not so sure they will move to Alaska to meet Jesus, but who knows?

You are welcome to your own opinion concerning modern day witches, but I can assure you that witch hunts are alive and well and scaring the shit out of people world wide, not just in the Superstitious Southern United States.

Modern Day Witch Hunts

Sarah Palin's Testimony

Child Witches Hunted by Christians in Niger Delta

Palin linked electoral success to prayer of Kenyan witch hunter
The pastor whose prayer Sarah Palin says helped her to become governor of Alaska founded his ministry with a witchhunt against a Kenyan woman who he accused of causing car accidents through demonic spells.
At a speech at the Wasilla Assembly of God on June 8 this year, Mrs Palin described how Thomas Muthee had laid his hands on her when he visited the church as a guest preacher in late 2005, prior to her successful gubernatorial bid.
In video footage of the speech, she is seen saying: “As I was mayor and Pastor Muthee was here and he was praying over me, and you know how he speaks and he’s so bold. And he was praying “Lord make a way, Lord make a way.”
“And I’m thinking, this guy’s really bold, he doesn’t even know what I’m going to do, he doesn’t know what my plans are. And he’s praying not “oh Lord if it be your will may she become governor,” no, he just prayed for it. He said “Lord make a way and let her do this next step. And that’s exactly what happened.”
She then adds: “So, again, very very powerful, coming from this church,” before the presiding pastor comments on the “prophetic power” of the event.
An African evangelist, Pastor Muthee has given guest sermons at the Wasilla Assembly of God on at least 10 occasions in his role as the founder of the Word of Faith Church, also known as the Prayer Cave.
Pastor Muthee founded the Prayer Cave in 1989 in Kiambu, Kenya after “God spoke” to him and his late wife Margaret and called him to the country, according to the church’s website.
The pastor speaks of his offensive against a demonic presence in the town in a trailer for the evangelical video “Transformations”, made by Sentinel Group, a Christian research and information agency.
“We prayed, we fasted, the Lord showed us a spirit of witchcraft resting over the place,” Pastor Muthee says.
After the spirit was broken, the crime rate dropped to almost zero and there was “explosive church growth” while almost every bar in the town closed down, the video says.
The full Transformations video featuring Pastor Muthee’s story has recently been removed from YouTube but the rest of the story is detailed in a 1999 article in the Christian Science Monitor, as well as on numerous evangelical websites.
According to the Christian Science Monitor, six months of fervent prayer and research identified the source of the witchcraft as a local woman called Mama Jane, who ran a “divination” centre called the Emmanuel Clinic.
Her alleged involvement in fortune-telling and the fact that she lived near the site of a number of fatal car accidents led Pastor Muthee to publicly declare her a witch responsible for the town’s ills, and order her to offer her up her soul for salvation or leave Kiambu.
Says the Monitor, “Muthee held a crusade that “brought about 200 people to Christ”.” They set up round-the-clock prayer intercession in the basement of a grocery store and eventually, says the pastor “the demonic influence – the ‘principality’ over Kiambu –was broken”, and Mama Jane fled the town.
According to accounts of the witchhunt circulated on evangelical websites such as Prayer Links Ministries, after Pastor Muthee declared Mama Jane a witch, the townspeople became suspicious and began to turn on her, demanding that she be stoned. Public outrage eventually led the police to raid her home, where they fired gunshots, killing a pet python which they believed to be a demon.
After Mama Jane was questioned by police – and released – she decided it was time to leave town, the account says.
Pastor Muthee has frequently referred to this witchhunt in his sermons as an example of the power of “spiritual warfare”. In October 2005, he delivered ten sermons at the Wasilla Assembly of God, the audio of which was available on the church’s website until it was removed around the time Mrs Palin’s candidacy was announced. The blog Irregular Times has listings and screen grabs of the sermons.
It was during that these sermons that Mrs Palin, who was then preparing for her gubernatorial run, was anointed by Pastor Muthee. His intercession, she says, was “awesome”.
Her June 8 speech was to mark the graduation of students from the Wasilla Assembly of God’s Masters’ Commission, which, as Pastor Ed Kalins explains, believes Alaska will be the refuge for American evangelicals upon the coming “End of Days”. After her speech, Mrs Palin was presented with an honorary Masters’ Commission diploma.

Home of the Brave!

America... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesmen with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.

Hunter S. Thompson

Found this in my E-mail

In today's world, we eat but don't taste, look but don't see, listen but don't hear. You are here on the planet to be happy. It is all that is required of you. And when you are happy, you become a healing force that powerfully and magnificently heals the planet. If you want to help the world, be happy. Pleasure your senses. Be juicy, sensual, and glorious. Taste, touch, smell, hear and explore your universe. Accept yourself exactly as you are and radiance will flow through you to the world.

Denise Linn, Secrets and Mysteries

Thanks Pat!

Broc Obama

Upside Down Rainbow

Pictured: Rare upside-down rainbow spotted in the UK
By Rebecca CamberLast updated at 3:20 PM on 17th September 2008
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1056500/Pictured-Rare-upside-rainbow-spotted-UK.html
It appeared in the sky for the briefest of moments.
A dazzling arc of psychedelic colour reminiscent of the Cheshire Cat's grin in Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland.
But this is no fantasy or trick of the light, it is known as a circumzenithal arc. Seen here shimmering in the sky over Cambridge in the afternoon sunshine, it is often mistaken for a rainbow hanging upside down.

Rare: An astronomer caught this unusual upside-down rainbow on camera near her home in Cambridge
But unlike a rainbow, the sky has to be clear of rain and low level clouds for it to be seen.
Relatively rare in Britain, the arc only appears when sunlight shines at a specific angle through a thin veil of wispy clouds at a height of around 20,000 to 25,000 feet.
At this altitude the cirrus clouds are made of ice crystals, the size of grains of salt.
Meteorologists say the clouds must be convex to the sun with the ice particles lined up together in the right direction to refract the light.
This results in the sunlight bouncing off the ice crystals high in the atmosphere, sending the light rays back up and bending the sunlight like a glass prism into a spectrum of colour.
Renowned astronomer and writer Dr Jacqueline Mitton was lucky enough to capture the optical phenomenon on camera near her home in Cambridge last Sunday.
The 60-year-old who has a doctorate in astrophysics from Cambridge University said: 'I've never seen anything like it before - and I'm 60.
'The conditions have to be just right: you need the right sort of ice crystals and the sky has to be clear.
'It's quite surprising for this to occur somewhere like Cambridge, usually it is in places that are colder.
'We're not sure how big an area it was visible over, but it was certainly very impressive.'
According to Dr Mitton, the colours in the rainbow were intensified by the position of the sun, which was at the optimum spot in the sky of 22 degrees.
The vision was made even more dazzling by the presence of "sun dogs" - gleaming spots on a halo around the sun.
Dr Mitton added: 'It was just an amazing combination of factors that happened at the right time.'
Her husband Simon, 62, an astronomy writer, said: 'The circumzenithal arc is a quarter circle, pointing toward the setting sun.
'The "rainbow'" is much brighter and more concentrated than a rainfall rainbow.'
Rainbows are formed when sunlight is refracted in a raindrop.
But in a circumzenithal arc, the colours are in reverse order from a rainbow, with violet on the top and red at the bottom.
The arc usually vanishes quickly because the cirrus clouds containing the ice crystals shift their position.
Ice particles in high cirrus clouds occur all year round, but circumzenithal arcs are usually obscured by lower level clouds.
Circumzenithal arcs are so named as they go around the zenith - the point in the sky directly above the observer- rather than the sun.
A spokesman for the Met Office said: "Circumzenithal arcs are seen relatively rarely in Britain because they can only be seen at the right combination of atmospheric conditions.
'The height, depth and position of the ice clouds must be right as the cloud needs to be at a specific angle convex to the sun.
'Circumzenithal arcs actually occur quite commonly as these types of clouds occur throughout the year.
'But the vision is usually obscured by clouds underneath which means circumzenithal arcs are much rarer than rainbows and halos
'It is quite rare to see one as vivid as this. It depends on the position of the observer because its visibility can vary greatly, someone ten miles away would probably not be able to see it.'